34,000 feet up

     The worst thing for me is knowing that something is coming up.  Not just anything, like when prom is coming up I am very excited, and it isn't a bad thing at all.  But when it's something like a dentist appointment, test, or an airplane ride, that's when it is terrible for me and my health.  I have spent this last week worrying and stressing about my flight home.  This week couldn't have been any slower, but the day is finally here.  I'm sitting here watching planes land and takeoff, people walking around scurrying to get to their gate, and nobody seems to be anxious in any way.  Everyone is hunched over in their seats, shoulders relaxed, mind seeming calm.  Here I am sitting at a table, fingers racing over my keyboard, shaking hands, and barely able to eat my burrito from McDonalds.  My shoulder devil is sitting across the table from me.  He keeps trying to talk to me, saying that this flight won't make it to San Jose.  I'm trying to tune him out by listening to music and distracting myself.
     He really is annoying, never leaving me alone.  This week I have been sick to my stomach and barely able to eat.  I have had many sleepless nights, including waking up at 5 this morning and not being able to fall back asleep.  Although he hasn't left me alone all week, I have found ways to take a break from him.  I have experimented with meditation this week.  I downloaded the Calm app and have done multiple meditations so far.  There are some breathing techniques it walks you through to calm your mind and release stress.  I have found that it relaxes me so  much.  I haven't ever thought that meditation is a real thing, just something that hippies do.  I am realizing I should never think harshly about things that I haven't tried yet.  Meditation has helped me so much this week, and I have even downloaded some emergency anxiety meditations for my flight in an hour.
 
 Along with the meditations I have downloaded, I brought some activities for me to do.  I have shows downloaded onto Netlfix to watch, a book to read, and some materials to make bracelets.  I am also planning on trying to talk with the people next to me.  When Jared flew with me back in August, it was so nice to be distracted and have someone to talk to.  I feel like my "almost cure" for my anxiety is to be distracted.  It is hard for me to get my mind to focus on anything else.  I am like a deer in the headlights and can't function when it comes to my anxiety.  Once I get distracted my mind fucntions better than it was when I was stuck like a deer. 
     One last thing that is really keeping me going is, of course, seeing my family.  I haven't seen them since I left for the school year.  I am so excited to spend the next 10 days with them.  I have the opportunity to surprise my two younger siblings.  My flight was originally planned for next week, but I decided I was okay missing school and spending some more time with my family.  I didn't tell my two younger siblings about the change, so they are not expecting me at all.  I am so excited to relax and have a fun time with my family.  Sometimes you need to look a bit into the future to relieve anxiety and stress. 

Accepting The Help

     Something that I am realizing about myself lately is I refuse to get help in certain situations.  I have two examples that happened today to go along with this.  I had to go in to get some blood tests done for an internship I have the opportunity to do later in the year.  This is the third time I have gotten my blood drawn in the past 6 months, so I'm getting pretty used to it.
     I go in, sit in the chair, and of course anxiety appears right before it will happen.  These blood tests are due soon, so as the doctor is looking over the paperwork and taking a while I start worrying that there is a problem.  After about five minutes of her making phone calls and looking things over, she went on to explain to me she didn't have the right equipment for one of the blood tests.  She says something to the sort of her not being able to test it so she will need to send it to a new doctor.  I didn't understand so I asked her to say it again.  As she's explaining it, the small anxiety guy is yelling in my ear saying that I won't be able to do my internship because of this.  I couldn't pay attention, and I started to get frustrated.  I asked her a third time to please repeat herself and then the frustration passed on to her.  Luckily, Jared was with me and knew what was going on in my mind.  He leans over to me and says she will still take my blood, she just won't test it right there in this clinic.  So we went from there.  I couldn't get myself to ask anymore questions because I was so worried she would get frustrated even more.  My anxiety was telling me that something isn't right and this isn't going to work.  As my thoughts wandered, she started to take my blood.
     This next paragraph is about the blood drawing process, if you get squirmy please don't read!
     As she is taking it and I am talking to her and Jared, I think that maybe this time I would like to look at what is happening.  I have always refused to look at my arm, thinking it would make me sick to see my blood being taken.  I was feeling brave, and decided to take a look.  I looked at the worst moment.  She put a new vile in and the blood made a squirting sound going into it.  Watching something come out of my body was something I had never seen before.
     My face went pale and my stomach turned.  I couldn't think about anything except wanting to go to sleep.  It was the weirdest feeling, of just wanting to sleep and not even have my eyes open.  I knew that if I put my head down or said anything about feeling sick the doctor would be worried about me, and that is the last thing I wanted at that moment.  I didn't want her to become more frustrated having to deal with a sick patient.  After a bit of feeling sick I mumbled something to the sort of "I shouldn't have looked".  Jared and the doctor immediately start talking to me, making sure my eyes were open and I wasn't going to throw up or pass out.  I couldn't respond too well, the only thing on my mind was sleep.  I started to drip sweat and get very hot.  The doctor rushed to get an ice pack and get some sugar in me.  A nurse came in and took my blood pressure.  I kept thinking, "what if this is just me thinking I'm sick? They're going to think that I'm lying because my blood pressure will probably be fine".  I was so embarrassed, thinking my mind was just over reacting.
    Once my blood pressure was taken the nurse insisted that I go into the next room and lie down.  They walked me into there and I laid there for about 10 minutes, Jared by my side making sure I was staying awake, even though I wanted to sleep so badly.  After a few times of the nurse coming in to check on me, she told me that my blood pressure had dropped by 30 since the beginning of my appointment to after my blood was taken.
     I look back on this, and I am so glad that I was able to receive help.  My anxiety was telling me it was all in my head, there wasn't any way to fix my thoughts.   Once I found out I was at a high risk of fainting, and many other things, I was so glad I had gotten the help I had received.  My anxiety was wrong, like always, telling me that it was all in my head.  I think I get it from my dad, not wanting people to worry about me.  He is a person who helps so many people, but when he needs the help he is embarrassed and refuses it.  It also goes along with me living without my family.  My mom struggles with anxiety as well, and I don't ever want to worry her, especially when she is in California and she can't help me.
     I need to cancel out my anxiety, and try to remind myself that getting help is OKAY.  It is GOOD.  People want to help you, you just have to allow them to.  Looking back on this pretty negative experience, I am feeling good learning something from it.  Don't hold back from asking for help.

Health over Education

                          
  Something that is just crazy to me about school and the whole stigma around it is how teachers portray that the only important thing in life is to get good grades.  They don't communicate with each other, and put all of their tests on the same day.  My brain is literal mush right now, studying for important tests I have this week.  I decided to take a break and rant about how much I hate school.  I am not somebody who can just sit down and read a text book.  I get side tracked and can never focus or memorize what I am studying.  I am soon going to get tested for ADD to see if that's what is up, but part of me feels like its just normal.  It's normal to procrastinate and think about other things happening in life.  Especially when you have anxiety.
     The school really likes to think that they do a good job at making sure their students know that their mental health is important.  What they don't do a good job at is pushing that it is more important than our education.  You need to be mentally well before you can succeed in anything else.  It all falls back on how you are doing in your head, and relates to anything else that you do.  Students these days are so focused on their studies and getting good grades they forget to check in on themselves to realize that they're on the verge of exploding and having a break down.
     Something I notice about my studying is how much anxiety it causes me.  As I'm writing this I should be going to sleep for a big test I have tomorrow, but I'm so anxious and my mind is running like crazy I can't even sleep.  Something I wish that people could see through my blog post is that I write them in about ten minutes.  My mind races and goes crazy when I write these, because I write when I'm anxious and ready to rant about something.  I get so anxious before I start to study, because I get worried about what if I can't focus.  While I study I get anxious realizing I just read a whole page of notes but the entire time I was just thinking about taking the test and how I'm going to fail.  Before and during the test I can't even focus because I am so concerned about the outcome in the end.  I'm not blaming my average grades on my anxiety, but it is definitely a large part of it.
     Life is so stressful.  Take time to step back from the world and focus on yourself.  This past week I have really focused on myself and improving my life.  As I'm studying for this test tomorrow, I keep taking breaks of just relaxing and letting my mind take a break.  Even though it still makes me anxious knowing my studying will just take longer and I won't get as much done when I take these breaks, it is still necessary.  Nobody should be spending all of their mind power on their studies.  Take a break, relax, and always be proud of yourself in the end.

School Scares

     I feel bad for not posting for so long, but I have been so busy and adjusting to being back in Oregon that it's hard to find the time to post.  I also haven't known what to post.  It's really hard to think of what people will want to read, but then it makes me realize something.  This blog isn't just for helping others; it's also for helping me.  It's to help me get things off of my chest and be able to some what talk through my problems I'm having, and hopefully some how help someone while doing so.
     The biggest thing for me lately that causes me to be anxious at school doesn't have to do with my classes.  It is my worry that someone will come and start shooting up the school.  I get so anxious about it that last year I had to leave class twice due to my anxiety.  My biggest trigger was when I was in US History last year.  We would often have the lights off and be watching some kind of war video.  I would sit there watching but could never focus.  Any movement in the classroom I would jump and turn to see what it was.  Any time that the ding happens letting us know a school-wide announcement was going to happen, I would feel faint and start shaking.  It is so scary to me knowing that school shootings are becoming a common thing. 
     I have an amazing counselor at school who I talk to a lot about my living situation and my anxiety.  I talked to her about my trigger of my anxiety was history class and she changed my schedule around to match Jared's so we can have People and Politics together this year.  It also just so happened that we have 3 other classes together! We have gone all of our years of high school having no classes together, (except for PE freshman year, but we were still in the awkward dating stage), and finally senior year we have some.  It has helped me a lot so far having him in class, making me feel more safe knowing that I have someone who protects me right next to me. 
     Other than having Jared in my classes with me, I haven't found any ways to ease my anxiety over this school shooting fear.  Even with him next to me I get anxious and clamp up when I think about it or it's mentioned in class.  Sometimes I won't even go to the bathroom during class, because in the open and empty halls you're an easy target for a school shooter.  I constantly think about if someone were to bust in the door and start to shoot where I would hide in the classroom.  I have these crazy thoughts in my mind that I shouldn't be having.  It's a struggle, effecting my school work and my motivation to get up and go to school that day, because why go to school if I'm just going to get hurt?
     I am hoping to find some ways to ease this anxiety of mine and soften it a bit.  It's so hard for me to even write this, knowing that I need to go to school tomorrow with these thoughts fresh in my mind.  I'm shaking and I feel a knot in my stomach.  This is such a hot subject lately so I have been iffy on if I should write about this.  I just remember that this blog is for me to get my thoughts out and hope to help someone along the way.  I'm hoping to find a way through this so that I can improve my every day life and not live in this constant fear.

Not Ready Yet

 

   I wish I wrote this last night when I had thoughts and anxieties swirling through my brain keeping me up.  I've decided I will only write my blog posts when I feel the need to get thoughts out, rather than writing because I feel like I have to.  This way my content is really from my heart and doesn't feel forced.  I'm totally overwhelmed by the feedback I have received for my posts! My entire purpose for this blog is to help at least one person, and I've been told by so many that I'm helping them, which makes my heart full.  It helps me as well knowing that I have people who I can relate to and not feel alone.  Even though there's some good feedback, I know it won't all be positive.  That's why I am dreading going back to school.
     Anxiety is something that nobody will understand unless you have it yourself.  The same goes for depression.  Growing up I didn't understand it and I thought people were saying things to receive some sort of sympathy, but being older and having depression and anxiety myself I realize there will never be that full understanding unless you have the same chemicals acting up in your brain.  I am so terrified to go back to school because I don't want people thinking I am writing these posts to have sympathy.  I know some people will think that, and that's okay.  I understand that it isn't easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes.  I just hope that it doesn't effect how I am treated or affect any of my friendships.  I just want to be able to help people, and my way of helping others is exposing myself on the internet sharing all my crazy thoughts I get, hoping that someone can relate. 
     Going on being terrified to go back to school, I'm terrified to go back to Oregon.  I'm not too excited to have to adjust back to relying fully on myself to get through my day.  I don't want to have to drive myself anywhere I need to go.  I don't want to go get a job and figure out how to manage my time.  I don't want to look at other families and be jealous that they're all together when I'm not with mine.  I'm just not ready for this yet.  I'm dedicating this next week to getting emotionally ready to go back to Oregon.
     My boyfriend Jared is flying up this Thursday to come spend a couple days with my family and then will fly back to Oregon with me.  It's bittersweet having him come up here because I haven't seen him in over a month so I am very excited to see him and spend some time with him.  The bitter part of it is when he comes down here it means I need to start packing my stuff up to fly home next week.  I really want to focus on staying positive and just enjoying my time while I am here with my family rather than focusing on being sad that I'm leaving.  I am trying so hard to just block the thoughts of leaving out of my mind.  I keep trying to stay positive but these thoughts just keep coming back.  I've decided I need to turn to prayer and keeping myself occupied to be able to focus on being happy. 

     Overall, I guess what I'm trying to say is I am just not ready yet, but that's okay.  I don't think anyone is ready when leaving home.  It is okay to be sad! It's okay to be scared and worried and anxious.  There will be days when you may feel like this, and it's just you being human.  I am in no way perfect, but if there was such a thing as a perfect person I'm sure that it would include being sad some days.  I have a week left to live with my family and I'm going to try my hardest to focus on the positive, working through all of the anxieties.

Making Changes and Bad Days

   This summer my number one goal has been to work on myself.  I need to work on myself before I go back to Oregon and I'm no longer with my family constantly.  It has been a hard thing for me to realize that my emotional well being and my physical health should be my first priority.  I figured this out by watching a video someone put up talking about how they care so much for others and eventually realized she wasn't even caring for herself.  It has been a perfect time for me this summer since I am somewhat removed from being with my friends and being social.  The first step I have taken is to figure out what I need to remove from my life that causes me these anxieties and bad feelings. 
     The first anxiety I have removed from my life is social media.  I no longer have Instagram or Snapchat downloaded on my phone.  I still have Facebook because the majority of the people I have on there I am close to and I haven't noticed much of an issue with it.  When I had Instagram on my phone I was constantly comparing myself to others.  I would see how many comments people would get on their pictures and I would feel as if I can't post anything because I won't get nearly as many.  I had a second account that I would just be constantly complaining on.  My Mom constantly told me nobody likes to just read constant negativity, and now I see what she is saying.  I would be such a hypocrite to keep posting on that account when I literally have this blog I'm writing on talking about how to stay positive. 
     Snapchat I would just spend countless hours on looking at what others were doing.  I deleted it so that I can spend time doing better things.  I am in no way at all writing this thinking that I am better than anyone else because I removed these from my life! I love Instagram and Snapchat and all social media, but personally for me it has just caused me too much anxiety.  I am just sharing how I am learning that there are certain things in my life I need to remove to improve myself. 
     Overall, I just want to point out that there are ways that you can work on getting better.  It really is not easy for me to not have my social media anymore because it took over such a big part of my life and now I find myself feeling empty without it, but I do feel like I am getting better.  Going off of this, I am not living a perfect life now.  I definitely am still having some bad days.  There will never be a full cure for anxiety.  You can take all the medications you're prescribed but it won't cause you to be happy and positive all of the time.  I have found myself these past few days having a hard time with my anxiety and trying to deal with it.  I hate that it affects my family and my relationships that I have because I have people who are worried about me and want to talk to me.  I get so embarrassed when someone tries to talk to me about it because a lot of the time it just doesn't make sense.  That's all I can describe it as, not making any sense. 
     When I avoid these conversations with people they become more worried and keep pushing.  This just causes me to feel more stressed out and embarrassed because I hate when people worry about me.  I am such an independent person, I feel like I can do everything on my own.  I need to work on being more open with my parents who try and help me and with my boyfriend who puts up with so much.  I constantly feel like nobody wants to help or hear about anything but I need to work on noticing that these people are really trying to help.  I need to change how I run from conversations and need to get the help that is all around me. 
     I know that this blog is all about being positive, but like I said before, I have bad days.   Everyone does.  I am slowly making these changes in my life and it isn't easy.  I know that in the future I will be so grateful looking back on these changes I am making.  Even though it is feeling pretty dang negative right now, I know it will all turn out positive in the end.

Not Just Anxiety

     When I was younger I was absolutely terrified of doctors.  I remember hiding under my bed crying not wanting to leave to an annual check-up.  When I'm asked why I hate them, I have no answer whatsoever.  Yeah, shots and other kinds of things hurt; but that's not my big reason for hating them.  I have no explanation for why I hate the doctor so much.  It's my anxiety, causing me to not have any explanation for my fear.  My shoulder devil just appears and tells me, "It's time to be scared now!"
     The last 6 months I have been almost always feeling under the weather.  I am always tired, never have any energy to do anything, and sometimes I don't even feel like I am in my own head.  I finally got the guts to go into my doctor and finally got some answers.  I was told that I have hypothyroidism, which means that my thyroid, (which I have discovered is not in your thigh), doesn't produce enough of the hormone that it is in charge of producing.  This causes you to have a slow metabolism, no energy and to be tired very often.  There are so many other things that this sickness does but these are just the ones that affect me the most.  This last month I have barely been able to go a day without taking a nap.  Very rarely am I able to sit down and not nod off and fall asleep.  Also, lately I have been losing a lot of my hair.  We called the doctor and she said it is normal, but still is very stressful and worrying.  Even though I am on a hormone producing pill, I haven't seen much of a difference since before I started taking it.  In September when I go back to Oregon I will get my blood taken again to see how the medication I am on has been effecting my levels.
     Another thing I found out is that I am borderline diabetic.  When I found this out I got really bummed out because my favorite food ever is ice cream.  These past 2 months I have really been trying to get my blood sugar levels down and evened out so that I can no longer be worried about almost being diabetic.  When I have a sugar filled food, within an hour I get a head ache, shake, and get so weak I can't even function.  For the most part my diet has been good, always making sure I have more protein and vegetables than sugar.  It hasn't been easy, but I would rather go through changing my diet than having to deal with diabetes.
     So what does this have to do with anxiety?  My doctor told me once my thyroid levels and my blood sugar have been evened out it may ease my anxiety.  I used to think that knowing that these are related to my high anxiety makes me feel like there is hope to a somewhat normal relaxing life.  Then I remind myself, I'm not different from others.  This is becoming the new normal for everybody.  There is such a high percentage of teens who struggle from anxiety, and I am glad that I have it now at such an early age so that once I am living on my own and have a family I will have somewhat of a handle over it.  I am very blessed also to have my doctor and counselor who help me talk through things and figure it all out.
   Living on my own has helped me to be able to call and make my own appointments and fill my own prescriptions.  I used to not even be able to buy something at a grocery store without my mom next to me. Hypothyroidism requires you to get your blood drawn every three months.  When I'm sick I recently have been checking my blood sugar by pricking my own finger.  I have grown so much in the past year.  I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and need to depend on myself for things since my parents aren't always around.  Even though this increases anxiety most of the time, I feel at the same time it helps me since I am forced to push through it.  Trust me, it sucks needing to do something my brain almost refuses to do. I know anxiety can never be 100% cured so I just need to work through it, and stay positive through as much as I can.