School Scares

     I feel bad for not posting for so long, but I have been so busy and adjusting to being back in Oregon that it's hard to find the time to post.  I also haven't known what to post.  It's really hard to think of what people will want to read, but then it makes me realize something.  This blog isn't just for helping others; it's also for helping me.  It's to help me get things off of my chest and be able to some what talk through my problems I'm having, and hopefully some how help someone while doing so.
     The biggest thing for me lately that causes me to be anxious at school doesn't have to do with my classes.  It is my worry that someone will come and start shooting up the school.  I get so anxious about it that last year I had to leave class twice due to my anxiety.  My biggest trigger was when I was in US History last year.  We would often have the lights off and be watching some kind of war video.  I would sit there watching but could never focus.  Any movement in the classroom I would jump and turn to see what it was.  Any time that the ding happens letting us know a school-wide announcement was going to happen, I would feel faint and start shaking.  It is so scary to me knowing that school shootings are becoming a common thing. 
     I have an amazing counselor at school who I talk to a lot about my living situation and my anxiety.  I talked to her about my trigger of my anxiety was history class and she changed my schedule around to match Jared's so we can have People and Politics together this year.  It also just so happened that we have 3 other classes together! We have gone all of our years of high school having no classes together, (except for PE freshman year, but we were still in the awkward dating stage), and finally senior year we have some.  It has helped me a lot so far having him in class, making me feel more safe knowing that I have someone who protects me right next to me. 
     Other than having Jared in my classes with me, I haven't found any ways to ease my anxiety over this school shooting fear.  Even with him next to me I get anxious and clamp up when I think about it or it's mentioned in class.  Sometimes I won't even go to the bathroom during class, because in the open and empty halls you're an easy target for a school shooter.  I constantly think about if someone were to bust in the door and start to shoot where I would hide in the classroom.  I have these crazy thoughts in my mind that I shouldn't be having.  It's a struggle, effecting my school work and my motivation to get up and go to school that day, because why go to school if I'm just going to get hurt?
     I am hoping to find some ways to ease this anxiety of mine and soften it a bit.  It's so hard for me to even write this, knowing that I need to go to school tomorrow with these thoughts fresh in my mind.  I'm shaking and I feel a knot in my stomach.  This is such a hot subject lately so I have been iffy on if I should write about this.  I just remember that this blog is for me to get my thoughts out and hope to help someone along the way.  I'm hoping to find a way through this so that I can improve my every day life and not live in this constant fear.