Not Ready Yet

 

   I wish I wrote this last night when I had thoughts and anxieties swirling through my brain keeping me up.  I've decided I will only write my blog posts when I feel the need to get thoughts out, rather than writing because I feel like I have to.  This way my content is really from my heart and doesn't feel forced.  I'm totally overwhelmed by the feedback I have received for my posts! My entire purpose for this blog is to help at least one person, and I've been told by so many that I'm helping them, which makes my heart full.  It helps me as well knowing that I have people who I can relate to and not feel alone.  Even though there's some good feedback, I know it won't all be positive.  That's why I am dreading going back to school.
     Anxiety is something that nobody will understand unless you have it yourself.  The same goes for depression.  Growing up I didn't understand it and I thought people were saying things to receive some sort of sympathy, but being older and having depression and anxiety myself I realize there will never be that full understanding unless you have the same chemicals acting up in your brain.  I am so terrified to go back to school because I don't want people thinking I am writing these posts to have sympathy.  I know some people will think that, and that's okay.  I understand that it isn't easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes.  I just hope that it doesn't effect how I am treated or affect any of my friendships.  I just want to be able to help people, and my way of helping others is exposing myself on the internet sharing all my crazy thoughts I get, hoping that someone can relate. 
     Going on being terrified to go back to school, I'm terrified to go back to Oregon.  I'm not too excited to have to adjust back to relying fully on myself to get through my day.  I don't want to have to drive myself anywhere I need to go.  I don't want to go get a job and figure out how to manage my time.  I don't want to look at other families and be jealous that they're all together when I'm not with mine.  I'm just not ready for this yet.  I'm dedicating this next week to getting emotionally ready to go back to Oregon.
     My boyfriend Jared is flying up this Thursday to come spend a couple days with my family and then will fly back to Oregon with me.  It's bittersweet having him come up here because I haven't seen him in over a month so I am very excited to see him and spend some time with him.  The bitter part of it is when he comes down here it means I need to start packing my stuff up to fly home next week.  I really want to focus on staying positive and just enjoying my time while I am here with my family rather than focusing on being sad that I'm leaving.  I am trying so hard to just block the thoughts of leaving out of my mind.  I keep trying to stay positive but these thoughts just keep coming back.  I've decided I need to turn to prayer and keeping myself occupied to be able to focus on being happy. 

     Overall, I guess what I'm trying to say is I am just not ready yet, but that's okay.  I don't think anyone is ready when leaving home.  It is okay to be sad! It's okay to be scared and worried and anxious.  There will be days when you may feel like this, and it's just you being human.  I am in no way perfect, but if there was such a thing as a perfect person I'm sure that it would include being sad some days.  I have a week left to live with my family and I'm going to try my hardest to focus on the positive, working through all of the anxieties.