Not Ready Yet

 

   I wish I wrote this last night when I had thoughts and anxieties swirling through my brain keeping me up.  I've decided I will only write my blog posts when I feel the need to get thoughts out, rather than writing because I feel like I have to.  This way my content is really from my heart and doesn't feel forced.  I'm totally overwhelmed by the feedback I have received for my posts! My entire purpose for this blog is to help at least one person, and I've been told by so many that I'm helping them, which makes my heart full.  It helps me as well knowing that I have people who I can relate to and not feel alone.  Even though there's some good feedback, I know it won't all be positive.  That's why I am dreading going back to school.
     Anxiety is something that nobody will understand unless you have it yourself.  The same goes for depression.  Growing up I didn't understand it and I thought people were saying things to receive some sort of sympathy, but being older and having depression and anxiety myself I realize there will never be that full understanding unless you have the same chemicals acting up in your brain.  I am so terrified to go back to school because I don't want people thinking I am writing these posts to have sympathy.  I know some people will think that, and that's okay.  I understand that it isn't easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes.  I just hope that it doesn't effect how I am treated or affect any of my friendships.  I just want to be able to help people, and my way of helping others is exposing myself on the internet sharing all my crazy thoughts I get, hoping that someone can relate. 
     Going on being terrified to go back to school, I'm terrified to go back to Oregon.  I'm not too excited to have to adjust back to relying fully on myself to get through my day.  I don't want to have to drive myself anywhere I need to go.  I don't want to go get a job and figure out how to manage my time.  I don't want to look at other families and be jealous that they're all together when I'm not with mine.  I'm just not ready for this yet.  I'm dedicating this next week to getting emotionally ready to go back to Oregon.
     My boyfriend Jared is flying up this Thursday to come spend a couple days with my family and then will fly back to Oregon with me.  It's bittersweet having him come up here because I haven't seen him in over a month so I am very excited to see him and spend some time with him.  The bitter part of it is when he comes down here it means I need to start packing my stuff up to fly home next week.  I really want to focus on staying positive and just enjoying my time while I am here with my family rather than focusing on being sad that I'm leaving.  I am trying so hard to just block the thoughts of leaving out of my mind.  I keep trying to stay positive but these thoughts just keep coming back.  I've decided I need to turn to prayer and keeping myself occupied to be able to focus on being happy. 

     Overall, I guess what I'm trying to say is I am just not ready yet, but that's okay.  I don't think anyone is ready when leaving home.  It is okay to be sad! It's okay to be scared and worried and anxious.  There will be days when you may feel like this, and it's just you being human.  I am in no way perfect, but if there was such a thing as a perfect person I'm sure that it would include being sad some days.  I have a week left to live with my family and I'm going to try my hardest to focus on the positive, working through all of the anxieties.

Making Changes and Bad Days

   This summer my number one goal has been to work on myself.  I need to work on myself before I go back to Oregon and I'm no longer with my family constantly.  It has been a hard thing for me to realize that my emotional well being and my physical health should be my first priority.  I figured this out by watching a video someone put up talking about how they care so much for others and eventually realized she wasn't even caring for herself.  It has been a perfect time for me this summer since I am somewhat removed from being with my friends and being social.  The first step I have taken is to figure out what I need to remove from my life that causes me these anxieties and bad feelings. 
     The first anxiety I have removed from my life is social media.  I no longer have Instagram or Snapchat downloaded on my phone.  I still have Facebook because the majority of the people I have on there I am close to and I haven't noticed much of an issue with it.  When I had Instagram on my phone I was constantly comparing myself to others.  I would see how many comments people would get on their pictures and I would feel as if I can't post anything because I won't get nearly as many.  I had a second account that I would just be constantly complaining on.  My Mom constantly told me nobody likes to just read constant negativity, and now I see what she is saying.  I would be such a hypocrite to keep posting on that account when I literally have this blog I'm writing on talking about how to stay positive. 
     Snapchat I would just spend countless hours on looking at what others were doing.  I deleted it so that I can spend time doing better things.  I am in no way at all writing this thinking that I am better than anyone else because I removed these from my life! I love Instagram and Snapchat and all social media, but personally for me it has just caused me too much anxiety.  I am just sharing how I am learning that there are certain things in my life I need to remove to improve myself. 
     Overall, I just want to point out that there are ways that you can work on getting better.  It really is not easy for me to not have my social media anymore because it took over such a big part of my life and now I find myself feeling empty without it, but I do feel like I am getting better.  Going off of this, I am not living a perfect life now.  I definitely am still having some bad days.  There will never be a full cure for anxiety.  You can take all the medications you're prescribed but it won't cause you to be happy and positive all of the time.  I have found myself these past few days having a hard time with my anxiety and trying to deal with it.  I hate that it affects my family and my relationships that I have because I have people who are worried about me and want to talk to me.  I get so embarrassed when someone tries to talk to me about it because a lot of the time it just doesn't make sense.  That's all I can describe it as, not making any sense. 
     When I avoid these conversations with people they become more worried and keep pushing.  This just causes me to feel more stressed out and embarrassed because I hate when people worry about me.  I am such an independent person, I feel like I can do everything on my own.  I need to work on being more open with my parents who try and help me and with my boyfriend who puts up with so much.  I constantly feel like nobody wants to help or hear about anything but I need to work on noticing that these people are really trying to help.  I need to change how I run from conversations and need to get the help that is all around me. 
     I know that this blog is all about being positive, but like I said before, I have bad days.   Everyone does.  I am slowly making these changes in my life and it isn't easy.  I know that in the future I will be so grateful looking back on these changes I am making.  Even though it is feeling pretty dang negative right now, I know it will all turn out positive in the end.

Not Just Anxiety

     When I was younger I was absolutely terrified of doctors.  I remember hiding under my bed crying not wanting to leave to an annual check-up.  When I'm asked why I hate them, I have no answer whatsoever.  Yeah, shots and other kinds of things hurt; but that's not my big reason for hating them.  I have no explanation for why I hate the doctor so much.  It's my anxiety, causing me to not have any explanation for my fear.  My shoulder devil just appears and tells me, "It's time to be scared now!"
     The last 6 months I have been almost always feeling under the weather.  I am always tired, never have any energy to do anything, and sometimes I don't even feel like I am in my own head.  I finally got the guts to go into my doctor and finally got some answers.  I was told that I have hypothyroidism, which means that my thyroid, (which I have discovered is not in your thigh), doesn't produce enough of the hormone that it is in charge of producing.  This causes you to have a slow metabolism, no energy and to be tired very often.  There are so many other things that this sickness does but these are just the ones that affect me the most.  This last month I have barely been able to go a day without taking a nap.  Very rarely am I able to sit down and not nod off and fall asleep.  Also, lately I have been losing a lot of my hair.  We called the doctor and she said it is normal, but still is very stressful and worrying.  Even though I am on a hormone producing pill, I haven't seen much of a difference since before I started taking it.  In September when I go back to Oregon I will get my blood taken again to see how the medication I am on has been effecting my levels.
     Another thing I found out is that I am borderline diabetic.  When I found this out I got really bummed out because my favorite food ever is ice cream.  These past 2 months I have really been trying to get my blood sugar levels down and evened out so that I can no longer be worried about almost being diabetic.  When I have a sugar filled food, within an hour I get a head ache, shake, and get so weak I can't even function.  For the most part my diet has been good, always making sure I have more protein and vegetables than sugar.  It hasn't been easy, but I would rather go through changing my diet than having to deal with diabetes.
     So what does this have to do with anxiety?  My doctor told me once my thyroid levels and my blood sugar have been evened out it may ease my anxiety.  I used to think that knowing that these are related to my high anxiety makes me feel like there is hope to a somewhat normal relaxing life.  Then I remind myself, I'm not different from others.  This is becoming the new normal for everybody.  There is such a high percentage of teens who struggle from anxiety, and I am glad that I have it now at such an early age so that once I am living on my own and have a family I will have somewhat of a handle over it.  I am very blessed also to have my doctor and counselor who help me talk through things and figure it all out.
   Living on my own has helped me to be able to call and make my own appointments and fill my own prescriptions.  I used to not even be able to buy something at a grocery store without my mom next to me. Hypothyroidism requires you to get your blood drawn every three months.  When I'm sick I recently have been checking my blood sugar by pricking my own finger.  I have grown so much in the past year.  I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and need to depend on myself for things since my parents aren't always around.  Even though this increases anxiety most of the time, I feel at the same time it helps me since I am forced to push through it.  Trust me, it sucks needing to do something my brain almost refuses to do. I know anxiety can never be 100% cured so I just need to work through it, and stay positive through as much as I can.

Special Gifts

     Along with the devil on my shoulder he comes with many special gifts whenever he appears.  These are known as symptoms.  Everyones anxiety symptoms are different depending on the person and what is happening.  For example: I have a car so that I can get where I need to go since I am not living with my family.  My family has had this car for about 4 years, and before we got it it was my Aunt's car.  I don't know a ton about cars, but to sum it up in January when I started driving it it decided to die whenever I got to a stop light.  This caused me to have to roll into the nearest bike lane or just anywhere off the road.  This would cause me so much anxiety; my hands would sweat, my ears would feel blocked off from anyone in the car trying to talk to me, and I felt like I was in another bubble.  Even though we got the car fixed and it would no longer do this, I still have these special gifts when I come to a stop.  I have been told by my parents, boyfriend, and even counselor that the car is fixed and I have no reason to stress.  This little shoulder companion likes to take over everything they are saying and tells me the opposite.  I am completely fine driving any other car but my own.
     Gross sweaty hands isn't the only symptom that comes along with this.  I tend to rock back and forth when I'm anxious and I can't seem to stay still.  You can actually see this often when someone is giving a speech in class and they may be fidgeting with something in their hands or they can't stay still.  Another thing that happens to me is the fight or flight mode, but I am not a fighter. 
     I have had an odd fear of fireworks ever since I was young.  I was at a firework show with my family and some how one of them didn't go up into the air and instead popped into the crowd.  I got burnt just a bit on my leg but that was enough for me.  Ever since then, if there is a large firework popped near me, my first reaction is to run in the opposite direction.  I remember being at the beach on the Fourth of July once.  If you have been to an Oregon beach on the fourth you would understand that it's like a war zone out there by the water.  Fireworks exploding all around you, the sky all lit up.  This was my worst nightmare.  I remember seeing someone light one and as it was about to go off I scream, "WATCH OUT!" as I run in the other direction.  I spent the rest of that night with my ears plugged, sitting in a chair with a blanket over me.  
     Sometimes I definitely feel alone when I have these kinds of symptoms, and that's why I share them with you.  Also, there are many symptoms people do not even recognize that happen to them.  I'm sure I have many other things that people notice that I do, but in the moment with the amount of stress going through my mind I don't take time to notice them.  I know I've already said it multiple times but I cannot stress it enough; you are not alone.  People feel the same way as you, I promise.  Keep on going and stay positive.

Anxious Struggles

     I've always sort of kept to myself about things that I worry about.  I would feel like if I talked about it someone might think I'm crazy and they'd get scared away.  Another reason I'm not very open about it is because it is so hard for me to find the words that I am trying to say.  Anxiety is such a hard thing to explain to others.  As I wrote in my last post, the best way to describe it is the devil on your shoulder.  Personally. my little companion likes to be around a lot.  When I say a lot, I really mean all the time.  I personally get anxiety over just about anything.  For example, I absolutely hate being alone.  I feel like if I am alone I have no control over anything.  My mind jumps to the worst conclusions about anything I see, hear, or even imagine.  My companion likes to replay anything I've read or seen on TV, (that most of the time isn't even true), and convinces me it will all happen and I will not be able to do anything to prevent it.  I start to stress and look for any way out of it.  You can tell me as much as you want that someone will not break into the house and kidnap me, but it won't do any good. 
     Since I have struggled with anxiety for so long I have learned ways to try and make things just a little better.  However, this does not mean within a minute I am better again.  Everyone has their bad days.  There have been days and many sleepless nights that I am in constant worry, and that is normal.  Sadly, anxiety can not be fully healed; but we can try our best to work through it. Something that I commonly do is distract myself.  This can mean turning on a TV show or movie, calling a friend or family member, or just doing anything not related to what you're anxious about.  I find that most of the time it takes a while for me to get fully engaged into what I'm trying to distract myself with, but once I do my anxiety lessens.
     Another thing that I hate is not having control.  For example, I hate storms.  I know that I will not get struck by lightening. I know that if I was not safe then I would be told and helped to leave somewhere else.  It comes back to my shoulder friend, he doesn't tell me what I should be worried about.  He just lets me know, "Hey! Let's freak out right now for no reason and ruin a couple hours of your day since you have absolutely no control over anything right now".  I feel like the worst thing someone can say to me when I get anxious about this is, "There's nothing to worry about, you'll be fine, get over it".  This makes me feel like I have no support from them and they think that I'm crazy.  No matter how much someone tries to convince me that everything will be okay, I will always have my devil to tell me that they're wrong.
     I also have no control of my surroundings when I am in an airplane.  I get so incredibly stressed out when I'm flying, especially recently when I fly to go see my family on my own.  I feel like there is no possible way that I will make it out of the flight alive.  Once we land I almost start crying of happiness and want to kiss the ground.  There are two things that I find help me calm down a bit. 1. I talk to the person next to me.  I start out by saying "I really am not a huge fan of flying, this isn't very fun for me", or something of the sorts.  I have always been lucky to get a person next to me who is very friendly and who flies often for work.  This Man once explained to me that turbulence is not always wind, it's hitting heat pockets in the air that flow over the plane.  He asked me about my life and just continued to talk to me until we finally landed.  It helped me so much to have something else on my mind rather than crashing and dying.  2. I have recorded myself on the plane during bad turbulence.  I do this so that before I go fly I can remind myself that even though there were a lot of bumps on a flight, I landed and made it out alive.
     These are just a few of my anxieties and how I try and get a handle on them.  I still struggle with so much more than even I am able to realize.  It is so hard for me to try and stay positive when I feel anxious.  In the beginning, it is almost impossible.  You really need to take time to yourself to realize who you are and how you deal with things.  You need to realize what helps and what doesn't help.  Throughout the rest of my blog posts I am going to share a hard time I had with something that week or something I was really anxious about.  My goal is to try and bring out the positive and share how I dealt with something.  I hope to be able to help at least one person with these posts to work on overcoming their own worries, even when it feels impossible.  Stay positive, and you will benefit in the end.
   

This is Me

   

    Can you imagine having a part of your brain you can't explain and also can't control?  No matter how hard you try, this part of your brain always seems  like that little devil on your shoulder telling you everything is NOT okay.  This little devil pops up at the worst times and effects your every day life.  This little devil has the name of Anxiety.  Someone who does not have this devil doesn't fully understand the struggles coming with it.  You can try your hardest and put yourself in someones shoes, but unless you have the mini companion in your life you can't get that full understanding.  25% of all teens in the US have this companion.  Some have it for specific things, such as being social with people and finding themselves too nervous to speak at times.  Someone may have it for worrying a loved one may be hurt or injured.  Anxiety can show up absolutely anywhere.      

    I'm Ashley Couch and I struggle from Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  First things first I want to say that I am in no way making this blog to have sympathy shown to me.  I am here to share my story in hope that people can realize they are not alone in this anxiety filled life.  It's so easy to feel as if you're crazy and nobody else is like this, but I cannot stress enough how you are not alone.  I also am here to show people what it is like living with anxiety.  As I said before, it's impossible to fully understand; but I hope this blog will make it a little easier.  Another reasoning for this is for my benefit of being able to try my best to talk through how I am feeling.  I find it easier for me to write things down rather than explain out loud.  I've always enjoyed writing and have always wanted to pursue it in my future, so I guess this is my first step towards that.  
     So here's a little bit about me! I am going to be a Senior in high school this year at Glencoe.  I have been on the school's varsity tennis team for the past two years, going into my third.  I take classes in school such as health sciences and anatomy because I love to learn about how the body works.  I absolutely hate history class because I am not the type of person to just take in information and remember it, so it's hard for me to study and understand.  I enjoy being out with friends and trying new things.  I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, better known as "Mormon".  My religion is everything to me and I cannot imagine living without it.  
     Recently I have taken on some new hobbies, such as painting, baking and riding horses.  My family lives in California and I have been living here with them for this past summer.  We are blessed to live on a farm and enjoy the experiences that come with that.  My family moved here in January of 2018, but I stayed behind in Oregon.  The reasoning for this is because of all the relationships and my school I have in Oregon.  I also am almost done with my schooling and want to graduate with the class I have grown to love.  My family is 100%  supportive with this decision I have made with them.  I lived with a family who we knew from church who were very kind to me for the past 6 months.  I fly down frequently back to California every chance I get to spend time with my family.  
     Living away from my family is definitely not the easiest thing I have done.  In fact, it's probably the hardest challenge I have had in my life so far.  I have to do my own driving anywhere I go, do my own shopping, handle my own doctor appointments, etc.  It can be hard at times to remind myself that even though it may not seem worth it at the moment, in the future it will make more sense.  
     I hope that this gives you a glimpse of me; an ordinary teenage girl thriving through high school.  My life isn't perfect in any way, but nobodies is! Even though on social media people may seem perfect, but normally the only things posted are the happy parts of life.  Everyone has struggles through life, nobody is alone.  I hope that I am able to show the many different parts of my life and what I do to handle it.  What I want people to take from my posts, is there is always a positive part of any situation.  Stay positive and you will benefit in the end.